Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Welcome Frank scumbags

Remember Frank Magazine? It used to be big in Ottawa in the 1980s and 1990s and is still managing to keep afloat.
In today's web edition the lowlifes at Frank claim ownership of the material on the Citizen's quest for an editor (see below). Since Frank has reported the Petfinder's morale is low because of the machinations of executive editor Graham Green, and because I mention it, I'm somehow plagiarizing Frank.
Of course, they don't mention the fact that I scooped them on Dimmock's mass e-mail mocking Green. And they've never had the fact that staffers trashed Green in an employee survey. I suppose they'll just lift that for their next issue.
The current incarnation of Frank is published by the same Michael Bate who used to beg me for copy and several times offered to sell me the magazine real cheap. Bate's rep was made long ago when the "Frank Insurance" racket became public: you send your kids to his wife's montessori school, you'll never be Franked (Globe and Mail editor Ed Greenspon, c'mon down!). Bate values his Tuscan vacations much more than he values integrity or a good reputation.
Most of the magazine is written by the worthless and stupid Steve Collins. I wonder if Steve is still with his psychotic stick-insect girlfriend, a frustrated writer of no real ability who used to ruin on-line discussion forums with astounding displays of narcissism?
(I notice a plug for her masturbatory web site in the Frank piece about Lowell Green).
Frank's problem is that no one talks to them anymore. Collins has burned so many sources that Bate can barely function. A gossip magazine has to be discreet, and Collins just doesn't make the cut. It's all hate, all the time, with that boy.
So the magazine is a complete bore. There's nothing in it except rehashed news from the papers with the odd tired Frankism thrown in. The magazine hasn't broken a serious story in ages. And, just as bad, it's not particularly funny anymore. At five bucks a pop, I want a few snickers and maybe the odd yuk. These days Frank is a Mirth Free Zone.
On the gossip front, it's being imitated and stomped by everyone from Jane Taber to Mitch Raphael. Bloggers like Skippy Stalin write far better satire.
Bate recently begged Warren Kinsella for copy, somehow fantasizing Warren would be interested in being screwed over and betrayed again by Frank. Kinsella's a tough old bird who can handle himself. He's not stupid. He knows Bate and Collins would sell his ass out from under him for an absurdly low price.
In Frank's world, if I write "the sky is blue" I'm a plagiarist because Steve Collins and Michael Bate saw it first. Uh-huh.
No one reads Frank anymore. I've been paying for an online subscription just to be nice, knowing they need the money. I also give quarters to bums on the street. Same difference.

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